Early this morning, Dan laced up his combat boots (Really, he just slipped on his loafers.) and then put on his best Snake Plissken game face (Kurt Russell played Snake in the 1981 John Carpenter Sci-Fi flick, Escape from New York, which was filmed here in Saint Louis.) and then headed out into the gathering storm that was called Decima. Decima, the Roman fate charged with measuring a man’s lifespan. Decima with her rod would measure with thread the years a man stood on this earth, while she and her two sister fates wove that man’s fate into the tapestry that was life. Decima made a worthy adversary for Snake, I mean Dan, because Dan would spend much of this day measuring his time on this earth. Counting the seconds, minutes and even hours that he would expend from his precious life, while waiting on her.
He would wait for his scheduled departure time, then he would wait for the airplane to be repaired and then de-iced again (Cruel, Decima!). Finally, airborne not unlike a sprite, he streaks south towards Charlotte, where he barely makes his rescheduled connection. Then quickly launching himself again into the either, he lands late, in the cold and dark at the doorstep of his home town, the Loo. Decima has erected one more obstacle for our hero. Some errant ramp crewman had allowed Decima to sneak-in and freeze the sky way shut. More time passes, our hero seethes and his iPhone battery dies from all of the strain, but finally Dan is allowed into the bosom of his family. The old man navigates the icy overpasses and delivers Snake/Dan safely home.
Decima may be done with him now, but our hero is not done with her. In fact, he is only just beginning. Once he has accumulated enough energy to power up his still plugged-in iPhone, he activates that little NSA app that he bought after much dithering about whether or not to spring for its $0.99 cost. He punches in Decima’s name and is quickly rewarded with the knowledge that she is now laying-low, with her sisters, on some little Greek island, under the alias, Lachesis. The NSA app found it child’s play to find her by tracing her JoAnn Fabrics account. Such is our hero’s fury with the day’s events that he there and then decides to fork out an additional $0.99 for the special CIA upgrade.
This upgrade entitles him the one-time use of the super-duper secret government satellite called the Death Star. While, the Death Star is a technological marvel of a killing machine, the government’s lack of creativity in naming it, really grates on Dan’s artistic sensibilities. Dan decides to internalize his rage at this and focus it into ‘his’ little project here. It is another sunny day on that nameless Greek island and the fates have moved their meddling tapestry work outdoors into their atrium. With a superhuman deftness, honed by countless hours of video gaming, Dan lays the Death Star’s crosshairs over three particularly long threads. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! The three fates evaporate and with them their capricious reign over humanity. Dan feels that he should have more to show for his effort, than just his own satisfaction. A little thankfulness from all mankind would be nice or at least $1.98.