I’m a sucker for wordplay. Here’s a few from a list that I found on Buzzfeed:
- The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
- Hyphenated, non-hyphenated, how ironic.
- i before e, except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.
- Doctor: I’m afraid that you have onomatopoeia.
Patient: Oh no! What is that?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
- What if women had apostrophes instead of periods?
They’d be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
- Teacher: Name two pronouns.
Student: Who? Me?
- Let’s eat Grandma.
Let’s eat, Grandma.
Commas save lives.
- An oxymoron walked into a bar and the silence was deafening.
- Today, I will be as useless as the “g” in lasagna.
- A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
- I’m so adjective, I verb nouns.
Stool Sample Pigeon
To the Midnight Shitter, please find someplace else to shit. You are now being recorded and will be sorry if you continue. There must be a 1,000 better places for you to shit. Please start exploring your other shitting options. Thank you!
We have been visited twice now, in the middle of night. Always, in the corner of the back porch’s landing that is closest to our bedroom window. After years of neglect, I have been staining said porch. I finally settled upon a lovely colored stain, Sequoia Red. I cannot think, but that these nocturnal deposits are in someway an art criticism. At Anne’s insistence, I have set up a motion activated camera to monitor the situation. Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do scat-cam. Film at eleven! She seems to feel that when we go on vacation, we will return to a mountain of dung. I don’t understand why she is so concerned, because she won’t be the one who has to deal with it anyway.
It rained all day yesterday and then again into the night. What ever creature that has been doing it, probably was using the porch as shelter and doesn’t like the stain’s smell. Initially, I thought that it was a raccoon, the first load was relatively small, but now I am leaning towards coyote, because the second one was huge. Anne suggested that it might have been a group effort. Hit it boys! Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited you, party pooper.
Semper Ubi Sub Ubi
This post’s title is a phrase that has no real meaning in Latin. It’s a pun based on the literal translations of the Latin words into English. Semper means “always”, ubi is “where” and sub is “under”. So, semper ubi sub ubi translates to “always where under where”, which sounds like “always wear underwear.” This explains the sight gag, the accompanying XXXL sized pair of tighty-whities. Also, if you convert XXXL from Roman numerals, you end up with a size twenty.
Ken and Barbie
Barbie: You have been lazing around the house for too long. I get up at five every morning and go to work. You need to get out of the house and find a job too.
Ken: I do have a job. I’m a blogger. I mean, I’m a news person. I report the news. I’m a member of the fourth estate. Just because the President doesn’t respect the media is no reason for you to pile on.
Barbie: Ken, I’m saying, you need to be doing more with your life than blogging.
Ken: Barbie, I could do more, if you were there by my side. We could model?
Barbie: In your dream house, Ken. I already have a successful modeling career. Ken: I’ve seen the help wanted emails that have popped up. Is that you?
Barbie: I didn’t send those emails.
Ken: Are you saying then that it was Russian trolls?
Ken: I could be your UPS man, a man in brown and deliver you my package.
Barbie: Ken, you don’t have a package to deliver.
Ken: That was a low blow.
Barbie: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be hurtful.
Ken: Sometimes you act like you have a pole up your ass.
Barbie: And you a stick up yours!
Ken: Honey, let’s not fight… I love you.
Barbie: I love you, too.
Ken: I’ll try harder. I’ll right longer, more insightful posts, like this one.
Barbie: Keep trying, Babe and you mean to say write not right.
Ken: Do you want me to get our owner’s little brother to pose us on her bed?
Barbie: That would be grand!
Scary Halloween Moon
There is a certain chill in the air. Halloween is upon us. Thanksgiving is up next and Christmas is around the corner. As they say on HBO, “Winter is coming.” Before we go there though, let’s revel a little in a tonight’s faux scariness. One of this holiday’s elements that I really enjoy is the Halloween joke. Best told in a halting manner by a small child. Derived from the trick-or-treat tradition, the joke is a substitute for some otherwise mean trick.
Q: What’s an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink?
The Saint Louis Post-Dispatch hosted a trick-or-treat joke contest this month and I’ve included three of the winners here. Even young comedians sometimes need new material. They’re all rather corny and any one over the age of five cannot do them justice, but if I hear any of them tonight, it should bring a laugh.
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Yesterday, I bought tonight’s trick-or-treat candy and this morning I set out our modest holiday decorations. Hopefully, they will be enough to attract a few kids to our door. We never get very many, but always enjoy all that we do. Have a happy Halloween! I think that Anne is planning on going as a scary old teacher.
Q: What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
A: For swine flu you get oink-meant and for bird flu you get tweet-ment.
👿 😯 😈