California Poppies

I’m a sucker for wordplay. Here’s a few from a list that I found on Buzzfeed:

• The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. 
• Hyphenated, non-hyphenated, how ironic.
• i before e, except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.
• Doctor: I’m afraid that you have onomatopoeia.
  Patient: Oh no! What is that?
  Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
• What if women had apostrophes instead of periods?
  They’d be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
• Teacher: Name two pronouns.
  Student: Who? Me?
• Let’s eat Grandma.
  Let’s eat, Grandma.
  Commas save lives.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar and the silence was deafening.
• Today, I will be as useless as the “g” in lasagna.
• A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
• I’m so adjective, I verb nouns.