Golden Ball Cactus
Good evening folks, if you are joining us here late at CNN’s Political Sports Center, tonight’s big game of political football is already underway. The Republican presidential field just took the field here in Simi Valley Stadium, promising to, “Win one for the Gipper.” In early action, the Washington Hopefuls won the coin toss and elected to receive. On the kickoff, receiver John Kasich was injured and taken off the field when after signaling for a fair catch, he was hit from behind by his own teammate, Ted Cruz. Afterwards, Cruz was heard to yell, “How do you like them apples, Johnny? That was for Lehmann Brothers.” Cruz was flagged with a personnel foul for un-sportsmanlike conduct and ejected from the game. As he was leaving, Cruz was heard to complain, “I do not like green eggs and ham.” Let’s take a break here for change of possession and show you nice people some delicious political commercials.
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trumpeting Trump!
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trumpeting Trump!
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trumpeting Trump!
Welcome back folks to our live broadcast, we’re ready for the first snap of the game. The Hopefuls have the ball and it is first-and-ten on their one-yard line. They have a long way to go to get it over the goal line. Chris Christie snaps the ball to the Donald. Trump steps back into the pocket and drills Carly Fiorina right in the face. She’s down on the field now. Kindly old Doctor Ben Carson trots in from the sidelines, followed by chief water boy, Marco Rubio. I hope that we are not looking at another one of Rubio’s aquatic fiascos here. While Fiorina is down on the field, let’s take another break.
Give me the D. D! Give me the O. O! Give me the N. N! Give me the A. A! Give me the L. L! Give me the other D. D! What’s that spell? THE DONALD!
They’ve just carted Carly off the field and play is ready to resume. Christie finally snaps and explodes in a fiery nuclear inferno. Which is sort of what he promised. Trump hands the ball off to Jeb! Bush slowly saunters towards the line of scrimmage. He really is a low-energy person. Rand Paul can’t stand it any longer and rushes Bush, stripping him of the ball. Paul then proceeds to run back and forth across the field, attempting to filibuster the game and run the clock out. But it is all just an act to influence the Patriots or maybe just Tom Brady. He ends up tripping on his shoelaces, falling at the second yard line and poking his eye out with the pointy part of the ball. It is third-and-nine. Mike Huckabee calls time and beseeches the crowd for a moment of silent prayer for Kim Davis. Ignoring him, Trump takes a knee for third down and the other knee for fourth down, prays to himself and declares himself winner of the debate. I mean game. He is the last man left on the field. Well folks, that’s all we have time for here tonight. See you all next time, next month. As the crowd files out of Simi Valley Stadium, Scott Walker is almost heard to ask, “What about me?”