“Is it safe?”, is the most memorable fragment of dialog from the 1976 suspense thriller Marathon Man. Based on the book by William Goldman, the movie stars Dustin Hoffman. In this story of diamonds stolen by Nazi doctor Christian Szell (Laurence Olivier) who is torturing Babe (Hoffman) by drilling his teeth while he is bound in a dentist’s chair and repeatedly asks him, “Is it safe?”. Fifty years have passed and I am still terrified of this scene. Other people have similar fears of sharks and the waters that they inhabit, but not me. For me it is all about the floss nazis. Today we paid a visit to the dentist, for a cleaning.

I dread these appointments. In anticipation of today’s, I had bad dreams last night. They (the appointments, not the dreams) always feature sincere young women, who have trained hard to do their work. Question: Where do old hygienists go to die? I have never met one over thirty and I cannot believe that it is such a lucrative profession that one can retire so early. What happens to them?

Anyway, back to today’s torture session. First, out come the instruments, scalers, curettes and probes and the like. Once one’s mouth is filled with these sharp and pointy things, then begins the interrogation. Is it safe? No, they never ask that. That would be too obvious, too much on point. It is always like, “How often do you floss?” Never would be the correct answer, instead I lie. I mean if after starring into hundreds of mouths, day-after-day, they should know without asking. They ask not so much to gain knowledge (which they already know), but as an intro to begin their propaganda. They love to sermonize. As if their proselytizing will convert me now, after 70+ years of living in the wilderness. The fact that I have an almost perfect set of teeth must only infuriate them more.

Eventually, I submit, if only to get them to shut up. Even though it is only a faux conversion, I still feel used, cheapened and abused. It is these feelings, not the pain or the blood that I dread the most. To counteract my apathy, they have taken to scheduling my next appointment sooner and sooner. I blow those off. Why? Because they are Nazis. I hate Nazis.