Buttoned-Up Hermit Crab Close-Up

Poop patrol, that’s what my week has been all about. You see, this week I had another colonoscopy. Don’t worry, it was completely routine and I am as clean as a whistle. There was not even a single Hermit crab found, where the sun never shines. As in the past, it is the prep that is worse than the actual event.

First there are the days of restrictive diet. I try to eat a high fiber diet, but fiber is exactly what is not allowed. I called it my Trump diet, all cheeseburgers and fries, no salad, no vegetables. Coincidently, Ronny Jackson, former Whitehouse physician came out with his own tell all book this week. You remember this guy, after his first presidential physical, he announced that Trump was the most perfect physical specimen that he had ever examined. Instead, Jackson now says that Trump is, brace yourself, obese. He is so fat… How fat is he? He is so fat that they had to hide his ice cream at night. He eats no vegetables. Prompting Jackson to blend cauliflower rice into his mash potatoes.

Anyway, enough of them, back to me. On colonoscopy eve, I took the prep, not just any prep though, but super prep. It really cleaned me out. I had weighed myself both before and after and contrary to what some people think, my weight loss was only 1%. Consequently, through empirical evidence, I can declare that I am not full of it, even though my eyes may be brown.

Finally, the day-of-days dawned. By sun up, I was installed on my gurney. The assembly line that was this center’s medicine, operated with factory efficiency. The last that I remember, before going under, was watching the screen that was displaying my vitals, turning blurry. When I awoke, Anne was sitting by my side. The doctor came by to give us the good news and that he would be seeing me in another seven years and then I was whisked out the door. It all happened with such clockwork efficiency that I had to wonder what that future medical center would look like. Would the bevy of nurses and med techs still be there or would their jobs be automated and would they all be replaced with robutts? 

5 thoughts on “TMI

  1. So you went for a periscope ride…and they knocked you out, so you missed the full guided tour?
    I once had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy at the same time. Felt like a spit roasted chicken.

Leave a Reply