On the First Day of Christmas …

Frosted Fields by Katherine McPheeters - The wintry beauty of a frosted field is depicted by a twig wreath and a collection of frosted stems in shades of champagne and chocolate

Frosted Fields by Katherine McPheeters – The wintry beauty of a frosted field is depicted by a twig wreath and a collection of frosted stems in shades of champagne and chocolate

At times, maybe even most of the time, I must admit that I am pretty clueless. I wrote yesterday about our gift basket largess. It did seem a wee bit strange for my brother Frank to send us seven identical food gift baskets. I wasn’t really thinking about the why. I was more concerned with how I was going to shoehorn all of these baskets into our not particularly large refrigerator. My second thought was wondering where I would find room for the Christmas dinner fixings to come. If I did think about it, I thought that maybe he got a good deal. Anne thought that Frank was just trying to fatten me up.

When I came home tonight, I knew that something was wrong. There were another three new gift boxes waiting on the front porch. Plus, a different kind of food gift box from Harry had arrived too. I called Frank, afraid that his vendor had mistakenly sent his order for ten different recipients all to my address. This fear was amplified because I had already taken one basket to work and Anne had taken another one to school. My co-workers devoured the first one and I see no sign of the second one, even though Anne has come and gone from after school. It turns out that upon reviewing his invoice, Frank did in deed order ten gift boxes, instead of the one intended. He suggested that I re-gift the excess boxes and that is what I plan on doing.

This actually works out quite well. To date, I’ve done almost none of my Christmas shopping. Jury duty took a week out of my life and the wind out of this holiday season’s sails. That is my first excuse. Last weekend my credit card company called me to say that my card had been compromised. Someone had tried to purchase $4,000+ worth of radio controlled toys using my account. The operator promptly canceled my plate and then asked if the normal seven to ten-day delivery schedule would be an inconvenience. Yes! I have Christmas shopping yet to do. She thought so too and then offered to FedEx the new plate. I got that yesterday too. That is my second excuse. Let me say this. If I had planned to purchase you a gift, I still will. There just might be an extra food gift box also included under the tree this year.

Seven Red Baskets

What Are We Having For Christmas Dinner?

What Are We Having For Christmas Dinner?

“”Package Alert, Package Alert”, I would call-out at this time of year, when we got home. Many years ago, when the boys were still small, I would pick them up at the end of the workday from Martha Rounds Academy. On the way home, I would detour by some of the local Christmas light hotspots, calling out “Christmas Light Alert, Christmas Light Alert”. Through the rearview mirror, I saw the reflected awe upon their little faces, colored by the passing lights. Arriving home, I always managed to spy the package on the front porch first. As soon as I had cut the engine I would cry out, “Package Alert, Package Alert”.

Initially this would aid in the disembarking process, the boys would explode out of the car in their excitement. This gave me time to gather all of the flotsam and jetsam that traipsed into the house during those years. The problem was negotiating the front door. Arms full, I had to step around two boys who were busy pawing at the latest cardboard monolith erected upon our front door step. I don’t know what they were trying to do. Their tiny hands could have never penetrated the reams of packing tape that encase these artifacts. Maybe through some now long forgotten sense, they could feel the goodness within.

Somehow, I, the boys, the package and all of the rest would make it inside. Then came their question, “Can we open it?” They already knew the answer even before I gave it, “Let’s wait until Mom gets home and then we’ll see.” This usually broke the spell and off they ran to their usual pursuits. Occasionally, depending on the package and only after the Mom-a-sarus came home, we would bust open the cardboard box. If the sender was a notorious wrapper (not rapper) then we ‘rents knew that the secrecy of the gift would be preserved until Christmas. This faux concession only served to reignite the frenzy that was acted out on the door step. Still, it was fun to watch.

Monday night, two packages arrived. Jay and Carl’s present was waiting on the front porch just as in days of yore. Alas, there were no small children in the car to tease, only me. Read that last phrase as you will. It is just not the same. Even though these two are notorius wrappers, we’ll likely leave it boxed until we get our tree and the once little boys return home again.

The other package arrived after we were both home. There was a knock at the door, but no one was there. It could have been Santa, except that his sleigh sounded more like a UPS truck than eight tiny reindeer. The package was marked perishable, refrigerate. This is the other exception to the do not open until Christmas rule. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a shrink wrapped pallet, and seven giant food baskets. As you can see from the picture above, they fill our refrigerator. Thank you, Kathy and Frank!

Viking’s Rampage

On Sunday, Dave and I went downtown to see the Rams football game. The Rams were in the hunt for a post-season playoff berth. ‘Were’ is the operative verb here because, they got trounced by the visiting Minnesota Vikings, who are also looking to be in the playoffs. The game started out not too bad. The Norsemen jumped out ahead with a touchdown, but the Rams came right back and tied it up. After that point is was all downhill for Saint Louis though. I shouldn’t count the Rams out yet, they might not yet be mathematically eliminated, but they should be after the way that they played.

This was their last home game of the season, or at least their last regular season home game, as Dave once corrected me before the game. Always the eternal optimist, with just a few minutes left in the game and the Rams having failed to score from within the Viking’s red zone, Dave told me, “Well, it’s still a two touchdown game.” So, it would remain until the final whistle blew, ending the game with a final score of 36-22. This game was trumpeted as fan appreciation day. It might as well have been dubbed fan depreciation day. [Thanks, Bernie!]

I got pretty good seats, Dave was impressed, or at least they looked good on Stub-Hub. Stub-Hub never said anything about the neighbors. The row behind us was entirely populated by Minnesota fans. Garrison Keillor tends to portray all of Minnesota like his mythical hometown, Lake Wobegon, “where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.” After Sunday’s game, I wholeheartedly concur with the “where all the women are strong” part. The woman with the strongest voice was seated immediately behind me.

By the bitter end of the game, we few diehard Rams fans were possibly outnumbered by the jubilant Vikings fans. Initially, I thought that all of these rabid Minnesota fans had journeyed the 600+ miles from Minneapolis just to see this game. Returning home via the Metrolink it became clear that these Viking fans are now Saint Louis transplants. We were vastly outnumbered by them on the train ride home. There are still two more away games left in the regular season. The last one is against the Seahawks. It won’t help us any this year, or in next year’s draft, but I would still like to see the Rams play the spoiler and win at least one more, if not two. Go Rams!

Santa-Land Diaries

Gardenland Express Holiday Flower and Train Show

Gardenland Express Holiday Flower and Train Show

On Saturday, I became a practitioner of the domestic arts, I baked cookies. Joe, one of my co-workers has his Christmas party on Saturday night, a cookie making party. At the party we’ll made and decorated cookies, but as is tradition, we also will bring a batch to share. Anne, the baker in the family, is still unable to shoulder her confectionary duties, so I had to man-up and do the baking. I’ve made cookies before, but always from one of those logs of dough. This was the first time that I’ve ever attempted scratch baking.

Step one was to scour the Internet for a recipe that seemed to have that certain panache, but was still easy to make. No eighteen layer thingy-ma-jigs, thank you very much. I selected Mint Chocolate cookies. Next, I pawed through the pantry, determining which ingredients we already had and which ones I needed to go to the store to get. Finally, I was ready to begin baking, or at least I thought that I was.

Somewhere, I had heard that the most important thing about baking is following the recipe as closely as possible. I carefully measured out all of the ingredients. I had the flour, sugar and stuff in the brown Copco bowl and the Cocoa and butter in the red Copco bowl. I knew that I had run off the rails though, when it came to mixing the ingredients. The butter ended up becoming a cocoa covered mess. I called for help and Anne came a limping. She helpfully pointed out that I was supposed to have melted the butter first.

I seriously considered pitching what I had created so-far and starting all over again. Anne attempted to search for some mythical tool that we never did find that would have made everything all better again. Then she suggested throwing it all into the Cuisinart. How did women bake before the Cuisinart? Thirty years ago, when my Mom gave us this Cuisinart she said, “Mock, you’re living in the stone age.” I think that she was referring to the fact that we didn’t have a dishwasher. We still don’t. I think that women simply  followed the recipe. Pass me that mastodon bone, woman.

Miracle that the Cuisinart is, it still wasn’t doing the trick. My dough wasn’t doughy, it was still too powdery. At this point, desperate and out of control, I added a third egg, a third more butter and twice the amount of chocolate chips that was called for. It’s a mystery, but everything came together. I and the dough chilled for an hour and then I was ready to start playing with fire.

I started baking and the first batch came out looking just like the photo on the Internet. Things were going well, until I started running out of dough. I called out to Anne again, “I think that I’m only going to get 24 cookies.” Her response was, “Look at the recipe.” I did, “Oh yeah, two dozen.” After our taste testing and Joanie’s independent taste testing the project was judged a delicious success.

F in Exams

Math

Find x

Find x

The elementary school tragedy that occurred in Connecticut hung like a pall all day on Friday. Some of my co-workers, the parents of similarly aged children were visibly sickened by news of this event. After work, I exposed myself to the media coverage, which had gone ape over this story. I was on my way to the MRH school district’s teacher Christmas party, to meet Anne at the Wood, I turned it off quickly. The teachers also sympthized with the victims of this tragedy, but they weren’t going to cancel their Christmas party, because of the actions of one gunman. That would be placing too much emphisis on an act by a man that craved such attention. Besides, the media frenzy was doing fine. 

Physics

Hannah sprays her new bike purple. The spraying of the bike gives it a negative charge and the paint a positive one. Why is this?
Positive – Spraying is easier than using a paintbrush.
Negative – Purple isn’t a good color for a bike.

The Wood is a trendy new bar in the ever more trendy Maplewood. It used to be a Laundromat. That ought to give you a feel for the exploding coolness of what was once Dan’s backyard. The already well lubricated faculty meeting was well underway when I arrived. Anne introduced me to her friends, while I sucked on my Urban Chestnut Wing-Nut ale. A political diatribe is brewing for this blog, but that beer quenched my political fire, at least for now.

Chemistry

What is a vibration?
There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

The graphic test question at the top and the interlude questions afterwards, all come from Richard Benson’s book, “F in Exams”. It is subtitled, “The very best totally wrong test answers”. I love that he has covered it Blue Book blue. On the cover the F in “F in Exams” is handwritten and circled with a big red felt tip teacher’s marker. The questions are all text printed, but the answers are hand written too. The doodles in the margins are great.

Technology

What is a computer virus?
An STD – A Systematically Transmitted Disease

After we made it out of the Wood, we headed off again to Left Bank Books in the Central West End. Anne wanted to pickup a book that she had ordered, but it hadn’t arrived. This is one of the pitfalls of local booksellers. Amazon would have had this book speeding to the eventual recipient days ago. On the other hand, if she had dealt with Amazon, she could never could have shown me Benson’s book. I’ll leave the correct choice of booksellers as an exercise to the reader. Please show all of your work.

History

Explain what is meant by the term “pastoral farming”?
It’s a farm run by reverends.

Big Brother is Watching You

Lake Boat and Superior Sunset

Lake Boat and Superior Sunset

The new Google Maps App for the iPhone has just been released. I’ve already downloaded and installed it. I have been putting off upgrading my phone to the new iOS, because of all of the horror stories about the replacement Apple Maps App. Numerous coworkers have gotten lost thanks to this flawed application. Apple’s CEO eventually offered a mea culpa and fired the executive who was formerly in charge of this fiasco.

Three months ago Apple booted Google from their phone. This is all part of a greater turf war that these two behemoths of the Tech industry have been waging. Their rivalry erupted into open warfare, when Google rolled out its Android phone. This turf war is sure to continue. I’m just glad that minor battle has been resolved and I can now upgrade my phone’s OS, without reservations.

Speaking of Tech, I regularly receive informational security warnings. Generally, these warnings deal with the dangers of foreign travel, or the latest tricks that thieves are employing. This week’s missive warned that the phone company Verizon has filed a patent on TV sets that will watch the people watching it. “1984”, George Orwell’s novel of a totalitarian future society only foreshadowed this Verizon initiative. Verizon is not alone in pursuing this technology; it is only the latest guest to arrive at this party. Both Comcast and Google were already there.

Some of the details of Verizon’s patent disclosure are worth examining. Verizon discloses examples of this proposed device’s anticipated sensitivity to customer living spaces. Detected argument sounds would elicit advertisements for marriage counseling. “Cuddling” sounds would spawn condom ads. Spoken words would trigger pair matched commercials, much like Google searches generate today.

Who would permit this sort of home invasion? The same people who permit it today, albeit in other forms. Those Google searches are just this horse by a different color. These TV sets will invade your home, because you allow it and because the television sponsors demand it. On air broadcasts that are free, are already losing out to pay cable TV. The choice will be eventually given to you to make, accept this privacy invasion or see your rates climb. Pay your money, or take your chances.