Yesterday, I watched the Olympics opening ceremony live during the day. I enjoyed seeing the kaleidoscope of colors, with giant blue, red and yellow paint tubes pouring out their corresponding-colored fabric at the feet of the dancers below and then hearing Mariah Carey sing Volare in Italian. Not bad for daytime TV. The parade of nations split among four locations didn’t really work for me. Divided by locale four ways, too many of the smaller teams were only further reduced in stature. Watching the parade live, I did get to hear the audience boo VP Vance. I understand that for primetime NBC muted these sounds, so as not to offend any snowflakes.

Turning now to a real controversy that is plaguing these winter games, “Are ski jumpers enhancing their penises to fly further?” Youth and WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) want to know. According to recent news reports, some ski jumpers are allegedly injecting their penises with hyaluronic acid (paraffin) in order to fly that little bit further. Injecting the penis with acid would temporarily achieve a visual thickening of their penis size and give the ski jumpers bigger genitalia at the point their suits are measured by 3D scanners. Larger measurements could theoretically mean athletes being given a bigger, looser suit, which would act like a sail to catch the wind and allow them to make longer jumps. Research from a published scientific journal, said that such a 2 cm change in a suit represented an extra 5.8 meters in the length of a jump.

Adding credence to these latest accusations, are the conclusions announced just this week to another ski jumping controversy. After an eleven-month investigation two Norwegian coaches were suspended for eighteen months because they inserted illegal stitching into the crotch area of some of their best jumper’s suits after an inspection by officials. These changes that amounted to cheating were filmed from behind a curtain and uploaded anonymously to YouTube. They served to make the suits larger and more aerodynamically advantageous, thus enabling longer jumps in competition.