Stop the Flying Unicorns (STFU)

Dear Reader, after another day in 6th Grade Paradise, and a 27 mile bike ride to calm down, I decide to attempt the essay that the students were doing. Attached is the graphic organizer, and the first draft of my 5-P essay. It might be a little too sarcastic, but it is only a rough draft. If you’re not sure about some of the references, ask the kids. – Anne

Stop the Flying Unicorns

Many people are unaware that flying unicorns even exist, let alone of the problems flying unicorns can cause. Flying unicorns are dangerous, both to themselves and other animals and humans. Flying unicorns are messy, causing huge messes when they fly over buildings and cars. Most importantly, these cousins of Pegasus drive a wedge between the haves and have-nots leading to feelings of entitlement. Here is why the flying unicorns must be stopped.

Flying unicorns are dangerous, since they have wings, hooves, and a sharp horn on their head. Any one of these could cause injuries. They are rambunctious, and inclined to silly horseplay. Of course, this is natural, given that they are indeed related to horses, but it frequently leads to accidents, either to themselves or other people and animals around them. Flying unicorns seldom follow the rules, because they think the rules do not apply to special animals like them. This is another reason they may be a hazard.

Another problem of the flying unicorns is the mess they make. Anyone who has seen bird droppings on their car windows will have no desire to have animals the size of horses flying overhead. While bird droppings are disgusting enough, imagine what your school would look like if a flying unicorn had “an emergency” on the roof or playground. What’s even worse, the droppings look like silly putty, and some kids might play with it and throw it around. Perhaps, with time, flying unicorns could be trained in proper bathroom behavior, much as cats are trained to use litter boxes. However, flying unicorns also have a propensity to mess with other animals’ stuff, breaking it and tossing it around. They are only playing, they say, but this is another facet of why the flying unicorns must be stopped.

Lastly, but most importantly, is the social problems flying unicorns cause. It’s a well-known fact, (as reported in The Journal of Mendacity Unlimited, March 2012), that flying unicorns can only be tamed by quiet, hard-working scholars. This is patently unfair, as it pits the one-percent against the other 99% who do not have these attributes. We provide our students with pencils, paper, erasers and tape to further their education, why should we not also let all of our students have the resource of a flying unicorn? While dangerously rambunctious and admittedly messy, flying unicorns are also beautiful and fun to play with at recess. What a sad sight it is to see some entitled students enjoying the rewards of recess as the sun glints off the horn of their own unicorn, while others are forced to be inside writing. The loud raucous cries of those students and their flying unicorns cannot help but distract those who, through no fault of their own, except perhaps noisy procrastination, have lost the privilege of recess.

In conclusion, I hope I have persuaded you, gentle reader, that it is of utmost importance that we Stop the Flying Unicorns! Say it with me, “Stop the Flying Unicorns! Stop the Flying Unicorns! Stop the Flying Unicorns!” The dangerous horseplay must stop. The huge messes and wasted resources must stop. The sense of entitlement that rides roughshod over the rights of others to a studious environment and productive education should, nay (neigh?) must stop! Flying Unicorns must be stopped.

2 thoughts on “Stop the Flying Unicorns (STFU)

  1. I haven’t heard from the teacher I subbed for yet. However, the secretary who had to listen to me vent after school said she really liked it. I’m in the high school for the rest of this week.

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