Grossly Normal


Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I’ll ask him.
Inigo Montoya: He’s dead. He can’t talk.
Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo Montoya: What’s that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Fatal Plunge, Jules Olitski, 1963

Fatal Plunge, Jules Olitski, 1963

I am grossly normal, which is not the same as normally gross, but I’m probably that too. It is that I now have scientific evidence of the former, while the latter is only anecdotal, even if everyone says it’s so. Now in this case grossly normal means mostly normal or to paraphrase Miracle Max, only slightly dead.

My physician has rolled out a new app called My Chart, which is not the same as Eye Chart, or however you spell it. The advantage of this app is that now I can more easily communicate with my doctor, who Luddite that he still is was only just dragged, kicking and screaming into the 21st century, “Against our wills, Papa, against our wills.” Thank you, Obamacare! In the past, the trick to contacting him has been like trying to solve a riddle that is wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. There are so many layers between him and I that can’t remember when I last spoke with him on the phone. With this app, I just send him an email and the next day I get a response and yes, he has someone named Dee Dee actually answer my emails for him.

Let’s get back to my dozens of dozen of normality. In January, I had my annual physical, which involved filling various vials full of vile liquids. So pleased was I with this app that when I explored some of its other functionality, I found out some interesting details about myself, most of which I’ll spare you from, except the fact that I am grossly normal. Did I already mention that? You see, with this app I now have access to all of the doctor’s records about myself that prior I have never been privy to, dating back who knows how far, maybe even to the stone age. I do seem to remember stone tablets – In the beginning…

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