I Want My Bailout and I Want It Now!

The market was up 400+ today, primarily on a late day rumor that the administration is planning a general bailout of the investment banking sector.  According to all news accounts today this was an unattributed rumor.  This could be an administration trial balloon or it could just as easily not be anything of the kind.  Tonight after the market has closed, it was announced that Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will brief the leaders of Congress.  I smell bailout.

When I get my bailout I want to get at least a week’s notice.  In that week I could buy a new car.  Well maybe three, no four new cars.  I’m not too greedy, am I?  Well who cares anyway, greed is good, isn’t it?  Maybe a few car payments aren’t enough for a really good bailout though?  I’ll buy a new house or two, no three!  There are plenty for sale.  Maybe I should buy a corporation?  That way people’s jobs will be on the line if I don’t get my bailout.  There is only one problem.  I don’t have near enough money to buy a corporation.  I don’t even own enough collateral to borrow enough money to buy a corporation.  Hey wait!  I’ll loan myself the money!  If I then take MY borrowed money and then loan it to myself again and again enough times, I’ll certainly have enough to buy a corporation or two.

Now, I know, why should I get a bailout after acting so irresponsibly?  I’ll tell you, if I don’t get my bailout others will suffer.  Don’t think that you are bailing me out, think that you are really bailing Anne out, or Dan or Dave.  There are innocent people involved in this crisis, people.  They will suffer horribly if I don’t get my bailout.  So pay up!

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